so due to a recent lack of creativity, i'm revising some old old poems as opposed to writing new ones. i've already hacked the following poem to pieces, but seems like it still needs work. help! i don't like the way it ends, it's too abrupt i think...
No One Has Ever Fallen in Love with a Fish
Today my sister fell
in love. And i-
well, i bought a goldfish.
He’s a lovely goldfish really.
i brought him home in a clear plastic bag,
filled with air and water,
and one fish.
Startled at first by the transition,
he swam slowly along the bottom of the bowl.
then began to dart around, nipping
bits of food off the surface of the water.
Watching him, i think of my sister,
how she might like to hear
about the latest addition to my life,
but before i can pick up the phone, it rings,
she is on the other end of the line.
“He said I love you,” she says just
as my lips are moving
to form the word fish. Her words
spill over mine, fill in details.
Then i remember,
and tell her about my fish.
How he swims and bobs just a bit
to The Beatles.
After i’ve hung up, i turn
to see him, swimming
alone in his bowl, close
to the rocks along the bottom.
5 comments:
You say I always notice the weirdest details...well leave it up to me to approach poetry in the same manner :) I don't really understand how he got from the bag to the bowl. Is that what you meant by transition, in the first line of the second paragraph - the transition from bag to bowl?
yep!
Maybe you could tilt the bag, cut a hole in the corner, and pour the fish and water into the bowl. Add some sound effects like "the fish landed in the bowl with a plop (blurg, paloop, plink...).
i poured the fish into the bowl
through a hole cut in the corner of the bag
the fish landed in the fishbowl with a palop.
a few drops of water splased onto the counter
i wiped them with a dirty sponge
i placed the bowl in my red wagon
and ate dusty peaches from a roadside stand
is this how it always ended? actually i like the abrubt ending; i think it captures the feeling well.
it ended something like that before -- here's the original actually:
No One Has Ever Fallen in Love with a Fish
Today, my sister fell in love.
And i-
well, i bought a goldfish.
It’s a lovely goldfish really-
i brought him home in a clear plastic bag,
the ones they give you at the store,
filled with air and water
and one fish.
Startled at first by the transition,
he swam slowly along the bottom of the bowl.
And then growing more comfortable,
he began to dart around, nipping
bits of goldfish food off the surface of the water.
Watching him, i think of my sister,
and how she might like to hear
about the latest addition to my life,
but before i can pick up the phone to call her,
it rings and she is on the other end of the line.
“James said I love you,” she says right away-
i am stunned, pausing just as my lips were moving
to form the word fish.
She begins the story in a rush of words-
suddenly the fish is forgotten.
She talks while i listen-
about him, about love,
recounting the conversation
her happiness contagious.
Then i remember,
and tell her about my fish.
His name, his bowl, all about him
While she listens,
her own excitement spilling onto mine.
We talk animatedly about both
until we’ve exhausted the subject,
and i hang up the phone,
set it down, and turn back to my fish,
swimming alone in the bowl.
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